This is private. It belongs in my personal journal. But for several reasons I want this to help more people than my personal journal would. That means I have to share. For me sharing’s not easy. But here goes.

This story begins just after my last baby was born. I found that my occasional and manageable depression and anxiety became constant and unmanageable. I was diagnosed with Post-Partum Depression. So I went on Zoloft. I remember rocking my 2 month old baby in the happy moment that I realized that my head was quiet. It was as if the background noise was gone, the ocd impulses were gone and I was free to think for the first time in a long time. It was such a relief that I doubted that I would ever again go off Zoloft.

Recently the anxiety began creeping back into my life. This time it felt like a total lack of wellbeing. It’s difficult to describe. It was as if my brain was aware that my life was good and I was happy, but my heart could touch none of that. I called my pharmacist to ask about a certain herbal supplement. He told me that anxiety is a side effect of Zoloft. I think what happened with me is that once the hormones of pregnancy were regulated, the Zoloft began hindering instead of helping. So I decided to go off of it following my doctor’s instructions. I went to half my dose for a week, then off completely.

Did you know that Zoloft can cause physical dependence and that withdrawal can be especially harsh, even leading to a syndrome being named after it? Neither did I. I could handle the irritability, the nausea, and the dizziness. It was the “brain zaps” that got me. That’s as good of a technical term there is for it. It’s like being dizzy, but much more painful. Serotonin is a hormone, and a neurotransmitter. In other words, it conducts electricity in your brain. So the best they (you know, the faceless, opinionated members of the internet) can figure, it takes awhile for the electric charges to get back to normal. So far I’m lucky enough to have only one really miserable day. That day I was able to get out of bed for only 6 minutes at a time.

Do I regret taking it? No. I needed it. It was not “in place of therapy” it was not “optional” it was not something I could fix with a guided tour of Nature’s way, or Sunflower Market. It was not something I took because I was lazy, or looking for a high, or weak. But I wish I had known that I should have gotten off of it much, much slower. I’m feeling pretty good now, and I’m 2 weeks Zoloft free.

Now it’s out there. Let’s discuss.